I'd felt back then, thought really HARD and tried to will myself to bring such old memories back into clarity. I don't know if I succeeded or if I was just drawing new conclusions from old data, but after a few more seconds of trying to make the puzzle fit in my brain, I said, “I think... I think... I think that's when I decided I could never consider you as a potential partner because you were like a sister to me. Rather than let myself be hurt by rejection, I just... categorized you as out of bounds. It was easier to believe than continue to hope you'd eventually see me as man but be perpetually disappointed.”

Belle frowned. "Umm... okay..." She furrowed her eyebrows and tried to process that.

“You know, we might be able to ask Alice. I've told her a few times about various crushes I had back then. She might remember some of this part, or at least verify how obsessed I was with you back then."

“I just might do that." Belle popped her eyebrows.

“So if I have this right, you put a mental block around me, convincing yourself that I would only ever be your sister, and THAT'S why you've never been able to fantasize about me or otherwise get... well... intimate?"

“I think so?" I said uncertainly.

“In a way, the origin of the mental block doesn't even really matter. It's there. And even now, it hasn't gone away. Like you said: you've got my sperm soaking into your stomach right now. We're not related and clearly I'm not the one molesting you or anything Like that, and yet I can't help but feel this guilt inside like I'm an incestuous bastard for letting you."

“Uggghhh," Belle groaned, burying her face in her hands. "You are NOT an incestuous bastard. We aren't even fucking related!"

“I know, I know."

“So how do we get you over this mental block? Because I REALLY don't want to keep having these conversations every time I wanna do something

‘uber sexy’ with you."

“I don't know."

Belle took a deep breath, let out a long exhalation, and then hopped off her bed.

“Okay fine. C'mon. Let's go."

“Go where?"

“Back to your house. I'LL tell my dad we're going out but will be back in time for dinner."

“Um, okay... But we're actually going over to my house?"

"Yep."

"To do what?"

“Well I'll tell you what we're NOT gonna do: We're NOT gonna keep talking about this!"

“WHY are we still talking about this?!?" Belle screamed at the ceiling, not quite loud enough for her dad to hear next door, but pretty loud.

"I want to. You want to. Why is that not good enough?! ?"

I'm getting ahead of myself again

Mother was still home when Belle and I walked in. Belle greeted her politely, Mother asked all the expected questions about how things were going, and after completing the required amount of small talk, finally asked what the two of us were up to. Belle smiled and announced that we were here to bake chocolate chip cookies, which was news to me. But I just smiled and nodded silently until Mother said she was going out and said, “Have fun you two!"

To my utter and complete surprise, Belle and I actually made chocolate chip cookies. She knew her way around my kitchen pretty well after all the Friday night dinners we had with the BTC. And the longer we spent baking, the more I forgot about all the angst and guilt over my incestuous bastard behavior.