The thought caught me completely off-guard. One minute, I was walking with a few classmates to a dorm's dining hall to find Lunch. The next,

I'd stopped dead in my tracks and was staring at the ground. The zombie was back, even if just for a brief moment.

I stood there in perfect stillness, remembering Ellie. I must have appeared catatonic because when I blinked, there were two guys in front of me, waving their hands in front of my face.

“Hey, man. You alright?"

I blinked a few more times and fought down the pain that threatened to overwhelm me. I looked up and focused on a distant point between the two of them. With all the gravity of unbearable pain in my voice, I said “I don't want to talk about it." And then I started walking off towards Lunch again.

Of course, no teenager could just leave it at that. And despite being college, we were still just teenagers. So the boys kept trying to figure out my girlfriend situation, to Learn the story behind it. And the mystery snowballed along in the rumor mill.

In the meantime, I also kept up with some of my old buddies from high school who were attending the University. As these things tend to do, my circle of friends began to meld into a combination of both high school and new college friends, with a relatively balanced mixture of males and females.

For at least a week, my high school friends respected my silence over the issue and the truth didn't immediately come out. But little by little, the rumor mill turned over and pretty soon everyone knew Ellie had been killed by a drunk driver just before school started.

It was a singular event that explained many of the mysteries around me.

Why I shut down whenever someone asked about my girlfriend. Why I missed the first quarter of school. Why I wasn't in the dorms.

You learn a lot about people by the way they act around you in that situation. Some people just try to ignore it and behave as if it never happened. Some get all awkward and feel Like they have to wear kid gloves around you, avoiding certain subjects. And some embrace it as a part of your history and just try to be straight with you.

Two such people, Jen and Kevin, soon became my best friends. Kevin had lost his own best friend in high school when a stupid stunt turned fatal. The guy had tried to skateboard down a stair railing by city hall, just showing off. He'd fallen and broken his neck. Jen had been the poor guy's girlfriend. In the aftermath, they'd found each other.

They'd been where I was coming from. And that common ground formed a bond that I hoped would last a lifetime.

WINTER QUARTER, FRESHMAN YEAR (March 1999)

“Hey dude, how ‘bout her? Jean shorts, two o‘clock.”

I rolled my eyes. Kevin had a habit of calling everyone “dude”. He even called Jen ‘dude’ from time to time when he was in a particular mood.

It was the late 90s; at least I should be happy he wasn't using the term ‘rad’.

I was struck again by how much my Life had changed. In the past, I would pretty much hang out only with other jocks. Guys Like Kevin would have been considered “beneath” me or something. But now, this skater boy was my best friend. The big man on campus from the high school hometown was now just another college kid.

Kevin had his little game. For the past month straight, he'd created a new habit of pointing out every hot girl we came across. It was his way of forcing me to deal with the idea of moving on and finding romance again.

At first, I resented him for it and refused to comment. I didn't want to be reminded of what I'd lost. But he kept prodding and Jen had been counseling me in her pre-Psych way. Besides, on a University campus, there were so many beautiful girls that Kevin was able to keep it up ad nauseum and I knew he'd annoy me to hell if I didn't give in eventually.

So for this day I promised to play along. I Looked after the pretty coed Kevin had pointed out wearing jean shorts at two o'clock. The denim was tight enough to hug each individual ass cheek very nicely and high-cut enough to reveal all of her toned thighs. Spring was coming and with it, warmer temperatures.

“I guess. She's pretty hot. But again, I know nothing of her personality!"

“Fuck the personality, dude. I'm not asking if you want to marry her.

I'm asking you to look and decide if you'd want to fuck her!"

"You ask me that and I'll say 'yes' almost every time."