“Never said he was." He put his hands up defensively, “I'm giving you an example. Besides you're the one who seemed to think he was going to whack off on your stockings."

"I was being an idiot which is how this started." I rubbed at my temples, "I don't want to talk about sons who think they should they want their mothers."

“What do you want to talk about, then?"

“I hate what I do, Dan. I hate myself before and after every shoot. Hate myself whenever I look at my son and think of John."

“Then quit. It's why I told you don't get back in

“I can't afford the house and keep Paul in school for the next two years with a damn waitressing job and him chipping in with a part time job at a bookstore."

“Sell the damn house." Dan shrugged, “Its big for just the two of you and it's in a nice area you'd make enough to pay a couple years of his tuition."

“Then we're paying rent which is as expensive as this mortgage for a nice area."

“But no school bill to worry about.”

"Dan," I leaned forward as he was.

“When John was dying, when he knew there was nothing more the doctors could do he asked me to promise him two things."

“One, Paul stays in school and becomes an engineer like he wants to, Two was I keep this house because it's the only place we lived as a married couple and its Paul's home."

“I would have promised to go to the moon at that point." I said softly, “But I figured hundred k policy, half tuition half pays off the house, or close to pays it off."

“Okay.”

"Then we got hit with the funeral costs, the medical bills insurance wouldn't cover. Paul's car shit the bed. I took weeks out of work because I couldn't get my head together right away. I paid a semester of Paul's school, bought him a decent car and there's a little left in the bank, but not a lot.”

"You're going to hold yourself to that? If John knew how little you'd have left he'd let the house go." He grunted, “Think he'd rather have you living in an apartment or sucking cock to pay for this house?

"Thanks." I winced, "That was pretty harsh."

“Well Mary, it seems like an easy choice. Sell this thing, quit the biz once and for all and Paul will never know. I mean, does this house mean that much?"

“My word to my dying husband does."

"Didn't you give him your word you'd never do this again?"

"No I gave him a wry smile, “He never said it because he most likely figured he wouldn't have to?"

“Word games." Dan raised his eyebrows.

"So it's okay to do that knowing full well he wouldn't want it because he did not specifically say it? Should he have had to tell you to never jump off a building?"

“Don't be a smart ass."

“Mary, I think you're being stubborn. You're risking your son finding out you're a porn star to keep a promise to the person who would be the most appalled you went back to this stuff."