“Maybe it's all I think I can do." I said quietly.

“Dan, as much as I hate it, I have to admit once I get over being pissed off at the shoots, I get into it. You saw it today, I cum for real."

“Some women do and always will. For you, it might be a matter of getting out grief and frustration. That coupled with its sex and every damn porn star is an exhibitionist at heart." He bit his lower lip in thought.

“can I ask you something without you getting mad?" “You can ask me anything."

“You used to say the only thing you weren't totally happy about with John was sex. You said he was pretty vanilla."

“He was and anytime I brought up wanting to have more fun and try things he got mad and threw my past at me saying he wanted Mary his wife, not Molly the porn star."

“I think he thought anything wild would make me think of that." I looked down at the table, “I wouldn't have. I just wanted to enjoy him and I thought maybe he was right, maybe I had a slut persona and Molly was an excuse to be one.”

“No, you had a high sex drive and then spent four years fucking like a wildcat and you never had a reason to hate it until you met John."

He tapped the table as he thought, “Don't get mad, Mary, but you could be getting into this to a point because you had twenty years of vanilla lovemaking."

“I'd take a lifetime of it to have him back." I spoke softly, fighting off the emotions rising within me.

“I'm sure you would, but that's not an option. You're still grieving in a way, but you have needs and being back in the biz has awoken that inner slut so to speak. You're not dating; it's your damn sex life as well as your job. Nothing wrong with liking it."

“Mary the industry has been cleaned up to the point I don't think it will ever be a recommended career choice in school, but porn star doesn't have the connotation it did before. Some girls and even the guys get some type of cult status and are open about it. If you didn't have Paul what would you be doing wrong?"

“But I do."

“Mary, we both know from when we were younger It's a love hate industry and you're not the first one to have should I stay or should I go syndrome, but you have more to lose than most. Maybe you should stop before it's too late. You've gotten away with it so far and it's a matter of time before someone you or Paul knows finds you on the net.”

“It's already too late." I whispered as the reality dawned on me.

“What do you mean?"

“It's so obvious." I muttered, “The net's forever, Dan. You know there are sites that have movies on it from the damn seventies up to now. There are videos of us together out there."

“Right. He answered quietly as he realized where I was going with this.

“If I never went back there was still a small chance of being ousted, but I was a lot younger and could maybe lie about it. But the second my first video I did in my return went up, that risk became huge."

“True, but..."

“Dan, I've shot eighteen videos in the last six months. If I quit today, they're there. My videos have been sold to the sites and can't be pulled. He could find one of these two years from now. Find out what I did.”

“Did would be the operative word, maybe you can have some damage control with saying you did what you had to then stopped for him."

“Maybe, it's still going to be bad." “So is that your logic? It's too late, keep going?"

“In a year and a half I'll be paying Paul's last semester then I can just work on keeping up the mortgage. I have to stay with it for now, but how can I stop things like last night?"

“You can't." he said simply.