“What?" Dan exclaimed, “What happened, he find an old movie of yours? Why didn't he say anything? Embarrassed, afraid to talk about it?"

“He found out from John." “Again, what?" Dan whistled, "What the fuck is more like it, why the hell would John ever tell him that? But in the here and now why did Paul wait so long to say anything?"

"Because," I closed my eyes and took the plunge, “The movies turned him on."

That was met with a prolonged silence and I could picture Dan's face as he struggled to come up with what to say to that.

“Dan, Paul wants me," I went on, “He thinks he's in love with me. He's been watching mom son porn for the last two years and has now seen mine.

He thinks that shit's real he sounded like fucking Malcolm tonight with some of the things he was saying.

“Jesus, Mary. I remember spinning Malcolm's crap to you last time I was over, the whole boys could fixate on mom, but I never really thought it could happen. The fact you do this for money I would think would tell him you're not into it."

“But I was into the scene with Brian and that convinced Paul I was doing these things to show him I wanted him."

“If you wanted him, you would have taken him, it's that simple.”

“He said I couldn't come out and try because I'm a good mom and would never take the chance. He wouldn't approach me because he promised James he would never tell me he knew what I did. I found out today because I was on his computer and when I confronted him he was thrilled I knew so we could go forward."

“Forward.” He repeated sounding as numb as I had earlier.

“Yup, he was excited about our new life as a couple."

“He needs to get some help, Mary. I think you could use some yourself." “Agreed, both counts."

“But John," Dan circled back, “Why did he tell him in the first place?" “Because Paul found movies of mine that John kept."

“Are you kidding? He hated what you did. He hated porn itself. You confided in me he was a damn dud and never wanted you to do anything he thought made you think of those days. Why would he have those?"

“If you have the time I'LL just tell you everything.” “I have plenty of time for this.

Before I could stop myself I plunged into the whole story. How I'd found out Paul had been watching, the sowantmymom messages, his reaction of being thrilled I knew, then his story about John.

I then went into some details of our conversation. I felt like I was betraying Paul as I went on. I was revealing my son's desire for me, but avoided telling him of the near crossing of the line on the couch. I couldn't let Dan know I'd been dealing with some misguided affection myself.

Dan would feel for Paul and understand in a way. He wouldn't judge him, but me? I was the parent I should know better. I'd felt it about the topic all along. A son or daughter could get blurred lines, but the parent had to do the right thing and never encourage it. I'd done everything I could to encourage my son's lust for me, including briefly exhibiting some of my own.

When I finished I was surprised to notice it was now quarter to nine, I'd been rambling for almost an hour.

“Damn, that's some heavy shit." Dan whistled, “You're head must be ready to pop. Can't believe all those years John was in a love hate with Molly and you're the same damn person."

“I wonder sometimes." I admitted.

“I swear I hear Molly in my head, Dan. That's what gets me through those shoots, she takes over. I buried her for two decades and she's back with a vengeance." Enough of a vengeance to make me entertain a desire for my son's affection.

“Then I'm glad you admit it's time to talk to someone, because Molly is not a devil on your shoulder you're one in the same. My guess is Molly is you without inhibitions and there was no reason to really bottle her up, you should have been having a lifetime of great sex with a man you loved, but both of you ducked it.

"